I Swear Officer — I Just Wanted to Hug Them

I don’t normally get star struck, although in Nashville there are plenty of opportunities. The stars just walk among us like normal humans, for Pete’s sake.

I think I normally don’t get star struck because I usually don’t recognize who it is I’m looking at until they’ve come and gone.

Exhibit A: one time I was at the Bound’ry restaurant and ran into Lucas from Days of Our Lives, Bryan Dattilo. I literally ran into him coming around a corner. He was by himself and I was like “OH MY GOSH, I’m so sorry. OH HEY!”

Because I knew I recognized him but had no idea from where. UT? Kingston? Right. So I played it off.

Jenn: “How are you? I haven’t seen you in forever? (true statement — it had been since about 1997 that I last watched an episode of Days).  Doing ok?”

Lucas/Bryan: **confused — oh hell, how do I know her…is she crazy? Probably** “Oh — you know. I’m fine.”

Jenn: **wow — he seems a little uptight.** “Great — well, it’s really good to see you again. I’ve gotta run.”

Probably about one minute after he walked away I realized who it was. More cocktails, please.

Joke is on him since he probably spent the rest of the evening either a.) trying to figure out if I was an extra he’d once “dated,” or b.) looking over his shoulder for the deranged fan who pretended to “know” him.

Anywho, there have been countless other incidents like this and I’m just never quick enough to put it all togehter…until recently.

Monday night I had to get a package of tortellini for dinner. I tried to go to the Turnip Truck grocery in the Gulch, but they were closed. I cussed, then thought “I’ll just go to the janky Apple Market across the street from my place.” I got in my car and since I’d had a glass of wine with my gal pals, I dug my iPod out of my purse and turned on my favorite car sing-a-long, Miranda Lambert’s “Baggage Claim.” (This will be ironic in a moment).

I drove over there, walked in and turned down the aisle and saw a girl way at the end of it that was so cute. I thought “whoa…what’s she doing in this place?” It’s just kind of seedy. She had on cowboy boots and a crisp white dress and blonde hair in a low side ponytail. Then this tall drink of water walked up behind her and I thought “he’s tall. They sort of look like… HOLY TORTELLINI it’s Blake and Miranda.”

Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert. I about passed out. I don’t really give a hoot about a lot of these people, but I love Miranda and Blake is just precious and hilarious.

I think I stopped and just stared and then walked toward them — like a moth to a flame. Then I panicked and turned around and they cut down a different aisle. I then said to some random guy “THAT WAS BLAKE AND MIRANDA.” I think he was homeless. “What. WHO?” Nothing. Walk away.

I walked around until I spotted them again like a total creeper. I wanted a picture so bad! They were so cute and were just shopping and being normal. Who knew?! Miranda yelled “BLAAAKE! We still got them pizzas? Need more?” It was California Pizza Kitchen, if you want to be like the famous people. It’s basically a rule that I’ll only eat CPK pizzas now.

Unfortunately after I cut down three or four aisles like some sort of stalker, I gave up and got in the checkout line. Well heavens to Betsy, they got in line RIGHT behind me. I didn’t dare look at them. As we waited, a couple of people said stuff to them — one lady told Blake she auditioned for the Voice — and he was just sweet as pie. But I swear — Miranda had one of those pizzas up her butt because she was all eye rolls and smug looks. I understand — I’m sure that kind of treatment gets old. You just want to buy your overpriced frozen pizzas and go on about your business like a normal person. But lady, you’re in Nashville and it’s CMA Fest week. You gotta either hibernate at home or just get over it and indulge us a little.

The checkout clerk, who I feel like is my uncle or something since we go in there so often, asked her for a picture. He said, “My wife will just die. She loves you.” She released a heavy sigh and said a flat, “sure.”

I left at this point, got in my car and waited for them to come out. Yes, yes I did.

OH, first I did take a couple photos through the window, as seen here.

As they exited the store, Miranda looked RIGHT at me. I mean, we locked eyes. Dang it. I know she thought “there’s the creeper from inside.” As they headed toward Blake’s pick up truck (or hers, who knows), she whispered something to him and then HE turned and looked at me. OMG I was mortified. I’m one of them — those people who come to Nashville to see famous people and then bother them in their natural habitat. Like poking a stick at an animal in its cage at the zoo.

I cranked up my car and through my speakers blasted Miranda’s twangy voice at top decibel since I’d just been singing along with her. I thought she was back to beat me up. I about peed my pants and then sped away.

Such a loser.


4 thoughts on “I Swear Officer — I Just Wanted to Hug Them

    • I know! It really is like seeing an African tiger walk through Centennial Park or something. You’re like “I know what that is, but is this real life?” Ha. 🙂

  1. This is hilarious! I tell everyone that I once had “breakfast” with Keith Urban…nevermind the fact that I was mearly sitting at the table next to he and Nicole at Bread and Company…and nevermind the fact that we didn’t speak…he and I did however lock eyes while Nicole was tinkeling in the potty and I swear to you…it was magical! Just like your interaction with Mrs. Shelton! =) And don’t let anyone tell you differently!

    • Gurl, you totally had breakfast with Keith and Nicole. Funny enough — Rogers is actually friends with Keith. Like, for real. Mind you, Rogers and I have dated for going on three years now and I’ve never been privileged enough to meet him. I can’t imagine why…

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